Courtesy

Sticks and stones are hard on bones

Aimed with angry art,

Words can sting like anything

But silence breaks the heart.

~Phyllis McGinley, "Ballade of Lost Objects," 1954

Genesis 2:18 | “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”

God began the universe by uttering four simple words, “Let there be light.” And in six days, God created the heavens and the earth; and he took great pleasure in the trees and mountains, animals and fish, and heaven and the stars. He declared about all his creation, “Very good.” Everything was the way He wanted it to be - until his eyes fell upon the man. Man was created to be in an intimate relationship with God, who existed in perfect love and community with the Godhead; yet the man had no one to experience this community with someone that was like him. God said, “”It is not good for the man to be alone.” He needed someone. For he, and every human being that came after him, were created for intimate relationships that are deep and meaningful.

We shared last week how to develop deep and meaningful relationships, which we are calling Christ-Centered Relationships. How do we intentionally foster an environment where relationships are significant and meaningful, centered around the person of Jesus and the way of Jesus? We know that such relationships are not automatic, they have to be intentionally designed and intentionally pursued. So for the next few articles, we’ll continue to dive into the subject of how to develop Christ Centered Relationships in our Growth Groups at Disciple Church and in our life.

One of the seeds of Christ Centered Relationship is Courtesy. Thesarus.com defines courtesy as “social affection; respect and good manners.”  In fellowship we show respect even when we disagree with each other. You can disagree without being obnoxious. Titus 3:2 | ...to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. Paul is talking to Christ followers to have a certain kind of attitude as they work under someone.  However, this attitude  is not only towards our bosses but he says to ‘show perfect courtesy toward all people.’

Have you notice something though? In all groups, regardless of which group, and even in our Growth Groups, there is at least one difficult person. Are you thinking of him right now? Don’t stare at them at this moment. Difficult people think and communicate slightly different than everyone else in the group. Or they may be emotionally and socially insecure. They may have some irritable manners and behaviors. Sometimes they go under your skin and like to pitch a tent there. Other times, they can dominate a discussion with their issues. They are a little low on social skills. They’re the kind of people that need EG - Extra Grace. And in every group there is at least one. If you can’t think of someone immediately, there is a high probability, you might be the one! But know this, you are valuable and loved by us! 1 Peter 2:17a | Respect everyone, and love your Christian brothers and sisters... Real fellowship is built on courtesy. Every group is composed of imperfect people, so that they can help each other develop deep relationships that will encourage each other, so that our broken lives can be lived in this broken world together, not alone. 

The secret to courtesy is to understand the people in your group. Where are they coming from? And I don’t mean geographic location here, although that is important to know as well. Find out about them. What is their history? What are their circumstances? What’s their background? What’s their temperament like? When you know what they’ve been through you begin to understand more and more why they act the way they do and you’re able to be far more courteous to them.

A man and his 5 year old son were riding the subway train. While the man was sitting down and down trodden, his son was running all over the train yelling and screaming. He was being a 5 year old. Another man who was observing how the kid was behaving was extremely irritated. He  yelled at the dad, “How can you leave your son to run around like this in the train? He is irritating everyone. What kind of manners are you teaching your kid? Can’t you handle your 5 year old?” The dad simply looked at the man and said, “I am so sorry. I just lost my wife. My son just lost his mom. He does not know it. He is too young. I apologize.” 

Instead of looking at someone in your group and saying, “Look how far he has to go,” figure out where they’ve come from and celebrate how far they’ve come! That’s courtesy. At one point they didn’t follow Jesus. They may have just became a follower of Jesus in the last few years; and they may have spent many years outside of Christ’s fellowship. So look how far they’ve come! Don’t look at how far they need to go!

One of the common issues growth groups have is to harbor a tendency to fix problems in other people too quickly instead of just listening to them. We don’t want to listen. We want to fix problems. Job’s friends were far more loving and caring and courteous when they just sat next to Job for seven days in silence - mourning with him. Once they started to open their mouth to correct and teach, it just went downhill. Mr. and Mrs. Fix It need to learn to pray and seek God’s wisdom and pray and seek again before trying to fix someone up. If you don’t listen, no one will share. If you are too busy fixing problems, people don’t come back.

Men particularly have this tendency. I have learned this from 13 years of marriage to Yehee.  Yehee comes to me with a problem.  I used to immediately try to fix it.  Before she even had the sentence finished I was going, “Here’s what you do!  What’s your next problem?”  That always upset her.  It made her ticked off.  I discovered when my wife comes to me with a problem she doesn’t want a solution – at least not at the start.  She is just trying to process it out loud.  She just wants me to listen to her, validate her feelings and go, “Yes!  That’s a problem!  That is a whopper of a problem.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a problem that big.  If I were you I wouldn’t know how to solve that problem!”  Then she feels loved and affirmed.  I haven’t solved anything.  She doesn’t want me to solve it for her.  She wants me to listen.  She wants me to validate.  She doesn’t want me to jump the gun and be Mr. Fix  It.  

When you immediately jump the gun you’re basically saying to that person, “You’re an idiot.  Let me show you what you should have done.”  When you try to offer an answer too quickly, you’re saying, “ You’re dumb.  I’m smart.”  I figured this one out a long time ago.  

The Bible says in Proverbs 18:13 “Answering before listening is both stupid and rude.”  Some of you need to put that verse on your refrigerator.  The Bible says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”  If you do the first two the third one is automatic.  If you’re quick to listen and you’re slow to speak you will be slow to anger.  

Courtesy is at times spelled: LISTEN. You prove you care by listening first. Be quick to listen, slow to speak. God gave you two ears and one mouth so you should listen twice as much as you speak!

As you think about your growth groups: How courteous is your group? Is it a good environment that models listening? Is it safe?

Personal Question: Who do I need to show more love and respect to in my group?

Romans 15:2 says, “We should help others do what is right and build them up in the Lord.”

“Build them up in the Lord...” I love it! May our growth groups be safe environments where we build each other up as we build Christ Centered Relationships that heal and encourage each other! I am glad that many of you are already experiencing such relationships. Thanks be to God. I love you DC! ~ P. Sam